Wardrobe Wars

Wardrobe Wars

Sorry gents, this one is going to appeal mostly to the ladies. However if you’d like to feel better about yourself and your recent weight gain, read on…

I opened my wardrobe doors recently and sadly didn’t find the doorway to Narnia. Instead I found some clothes that once fit and a series of bad fashion trends.

Admittedly, I’m a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiitle bit above my ideal weight at the moment thanks to two months overseas doing zero exercise except walking to get hourly snacks from a range of food vendors including McDonalds, various German and Czech hot dog stands and English pubs to name a few. These few extra kilo’s took the “I have all these clothes and still have NOTHING to wear” argument to a whole new level. Even if I wanted to wear something I physically couldn’t fit into it. Just yesterday actually I wore a black pencil skirt to work (which had once been a bit big) and somewhere in between getting out of my car and walking to the train station my new set of fat rolls around my stomach had pushed down the zipper which left me skirtless by the time I had reached the station platform. Times were tough.

Realising I had ‘nothing’ to wear mustered up some motivation for a wardrobe cleanse.

Luckily for me I’m a pretty good chucker, and I don’t mean the drunk chucker (but kinda that too). I experience zero anxiety about chucking things out, it’s probably a condition similar to hoarding but the polar opposite of that. Sometimes if I don’t know where something goes or can’t be bothered putting it back, I’ll just throw it out. History has taught me that I often regret those decisions. In this case however, it would seem as though it had been a while since anything had been chucked out of my wardrobe. I had a feeling laziness had been a big factor in that.

As I often do, I found myself talking to myself as I was browsing through the assortment of clothes and cringing at the thought of my past self approving some of these fashion choices. Here’s a taste of the conversation that took place..

    • When have I ever been a size 8?? Oh that’s right, NEVER.
    • Was I pregnant when I bought this because I’m 98% sure it’s from a maternity range.
    • Surely I would have bought this for a 70’s dress up party because I think that’s the only occasion where this dress would have been maybe acceptable.
    • There’s NO hope of me fitting this now when I didn’t even fit into it when I bought it.
    • Hmm..should I throw this out? I’ve only worn it 478 times.
    • I would have looked great in this at my year 10 formal!
    • I’ll hang on to this one because I’m sure I’ll fit back into it one day soon…
    • I hope I didn’t pay anymore than $5 for this.
    • My 10 year old neighbour would love this red polka dot number.
    • This dress reminds me of (insert: a bad job interview, an ex boyfriend, that time I ate too many custard tarts and threw up on myself). I hate it.
    • Maybe if I pair it with a nice scarf and some cute shoes I can get away with it? Let’s try…nope…still resemble Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

I can only imagine what the Op Shop ladies thought when they went through the suitcase of clothes I had donated. It was likely they thought the clothes were donated by two or three different people due to the variance in sizes and styles.

As much as this exercise proved quite cringeworthy at times, it was slightly enjoyable in a weird sense because it was almost like flicking through a material photo album. Each item of clothing had at least one story behind it and it was nice/humorous/awful to reflect back on.

Not sure what style is next for me but if I go by my previous style cycle I think I’m due for another phase of trying to resemble Jay Z (gold chains included).

Until next time friends,

“He didn’t have a style beyond dressing vaguely like a middle-aged lesbian” – Lena Dunham


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